Looking Back & Moving Forward

This is certainly not the picture I expected to be posting today, on the day on which our wedding was scheduled.  However, I’ve accepted the fact that this is the reality.  I’ve come a long way since Jacque passed, and I feel proud of the progress I’ve made. 

I’m also incredibly thankful for the gifts Jacque left me.  The years I spent with her are time I’ll always treasure.  I wouldn’t change anything about that time, other than to make it last longer.  However, the things I’ve discovered after she left are the most striking to me.

 

The events of the past year have impacted far more relationships than just the one I had with Jacque.  Close friends have become closer, old friends have come back into my life, and new people have appeared – people that I never would have met, had I not experienced this terrible event.

I’ve also realized how much Jacque did to prepare me for life after she left.  We talked about the house, the kids, and life.  But it never felt like planning.  It felt like reassuring.  We weren’t talking about “life after Jacque.”  I don’t know what we were talking about, but it made me feel more comfortable, and it wasn’t until much later that I realized that.  I don’t know what kind of jedi mind tricks she was using, and I certainly don’t know how she did it while she was sick, but I have no doubt that it was those conversations that have made me feel like I can get through this, and get through it healthy. That's not to say there haven't been sad days, angry moments, & things I wish we would have said or done - there definitely have been, but I'm at peace with all of it. 

I’ve often said that Jacque was the kind of person that you want to be a better person.  That’s the legacy I carry with me in her honor, and it has made me a better person in all of my relationships.  So while we’re not getting married today, I carry a part of Jacque with me, as I always will.

Summerfest

As my friends and family can attest, I've always enjoyed Summerfest.  From the moment I could drive there alone, it has been a multiple-day-every-year thing.  Meeting Jacque took that enjoyment to another level.  Somehow, she was someone who loved Summerfest even more than I did.  It can't be a coincidence that the all-day-every-day Power Pass admission deal started the first year we went to Summerfest together. 

So here I am, Summerfest in full swing, without Jacque.  I didn't know what to expect - would I want to go at all?  Would it be depressing to be there without her?  I've been a couple times already, and it's been strangely comforting.  There are definitely some sad moments, but it's felt good to be in a happy place, with happy memories.  Jacque would be proud, I've planned who I'm going to see and have been binge-listening to their music so that I know what I'm hearing.

In the end, I think of Summerfest like I think of many things these days.  I loved it before I met Jacque, and like a lot of things, she made it even better.  Now that she is gone, it's my job to keep that same level of fun & enjoyment.  Not only at Summerfest, but in all aspects of my life.  It's what she would have wanted and it's what I want.  It's amazing to think about the impact someone can have on your life in only a few short years.  But Jacque had that kind of spirit.  I told her this once, and I said it at the service, Jacque was the kind of person that made you want to be a better person.  That's the inspiration I carry with me today, at Summerfest, standing on a picnic table.

Music is Life

Music is awesome.  I've always had music around - it's rare that I'm in the house, car, or office without a radio on around me.  I've tried talk radio, sports talk radio and NPR, and while some of that is interesting, it can't take the place of music for me.

I found that when Jacque died, I was often sitting alone in a silent house.  Music wasn't comforting for me.  Every song seemed depressing because it was about something sad, or I just interpreted it as sad.  Up  until recently, I was never really one who thought that a song spoke to me.  I really didn't even listen to the lyrics.  I liked a song if it had a good beat, which makes me sound like I'm on Dance Fever (kids, you'll have to YouTube that).  Sitting in silence didn't help my mood, and I really don't think it helped me grieve, either.  I don't think I was doing it consciously, I was just in such a fog.

But now, I'm starting to feel like I'm getting back to a normal level of functioning.  I can't stand any silence, and I'm back to singing around the house #tonedeaf.  And it feels good!  Even songs that aren't the happiest of topics feel good to hear.  I mean, if you're rocking out to The Cure, you've got to be doing something right!  Maybe on the days when I'm sick of writing about grief, I'll write about music.  I like that, Jacque would have liked that, and I think it fits with the mission with which we started this blog.

Until then, here's that upbeat song with downbeat lyrics that I was singing in the car this afternoon.

Eye-Opening Support

I went to my first support group meeting tonight.  If you would have told me five years ago that I'd be going to a support group for anything, I would have said you were crazy.  But, here we are, and there I was. 

I don't know what I was expecting.  This was a "Young Widow/Widower" group, and the age range was a couple of us in our mid (ok, late) 30's up to people in their 60's.  It was nice to talk about all these challenges with some like-minded people, but other than one other recently-widowed person, all of them were at least a year ahead of me.  The scariest part?  Some of them are struggling.  Badly.  It's hard to be six weeks in and hear that "the second year is really hard." I don't know when I thought rock bottom would be, but I surely wasn't thinking it wouldn't be for a couple years. 

I don't know what I was hoping to get out of this group.  Whatever it was, I'm not sure if I found it.  I certainly didn't feel better afterwards.  It was comforting to hear that they were all impressed that a couple of us were there so close to our loss.  If the goal is to know it's ok to grieve, that it will take time, and that there will be a "new normal," great.  I already know all those things.  I suppose I'll go back, but I'm not sure this is for me.  The conversations I've had with widows in my circle of friends, colleagues and acquaintances have been much more comforting to me.  Perhaps it's because they're my age, are in my circle, or just have more in common with me. 

Overall, I'm feeling pretty good.  There have been some highs and lows this week, but I'm continuing to learn those triggers and work to manage them.  Grief management is a lot of damn work, but that's ok, I'm a good worker.

Dammit Keanu

I was sitting at Duke's Cub Scout meeting tonight, poking around on Facebook while Charlie played basketball with another kid who was there with his brother, wishing he was old enough for Scouts.  I came across this article about Keanu Reeves (short version - Keanu has made a ton of money, experienced some tragedy, & is cool).  Nothing earth-shattering, but this quote struck me: “Grief changes shape, but it never ends.”  Crap.

I've talked about this with friends that have experienced loss, and I've talked to other widows.  They've all said some version of this - you're never the same person you were.  Well that sucks.  I really liked the person I was.  This new me, not so great.  I'm sure I'll adjust, but right now, I'm kind of annoying.  I'm not happy, I can't get anything done in my house, and I just feel lost.  I'm ramping up the number of people I'm talking to about this (hello, therapy!).  The problem is, there is a lot I want to talk about - how great my friends have been, how well my job is going, how shitty the Brewers look, and how I'm feeling, but there's only one person I really want to talk to.  Side note, I found a young widow/widower support group, they have a waitlist...WTF, I'm not really in the mood to wait.

So here I am, getting into somewhat of a new routine.  I can do the routine (I'm good with structure and a checklist), but the loneliness, that's another story.  I hate being alone, but I can't fathom finding someone else.  First, because I'm nowhere near ready, but second, because I can't imagine finding anyone as perfect as Jacque.

This is going to be one long road.  Oh wait, it's a road that never ends.  Thanks, Keanu.

The Next Chapter

When I originally thought about this blog post, I figured I'd call it "Epilogue" or something like that.  But then I remembered that Jacque would be really pissed off if I thought about this as the end of anything.  "It's a new beginning" she would tell me.  

So I'm trying to manage this new beginning.  Josh & Drew came to take more of their stuff to their dad's house today, and that wasn't too sad.  It was nice to have all the kids here together for a while.  The hard part is when there's no one here.  It's just me, or me with my kids.  It's incredibly lonely and I'm not really sure how that's going to change.  The nice part is that I have family and friends constantly reaching out to check on me and get me out of the house.  Thank you for all of that, let's keep that up!  But even on a weekend like this, where I saw friends & family, had playdates with other kids, and had a sports junkie's worth of basketball on TV, I was still just sad.

In the eulogy, I mentioned the book of note cards that Jacque kept, and how she'd often pick one out and leave it for me with a little note.  I'd often find them tucked in my sunglass case, or just sitting on the counter when she left for work before me.  As I was going through some papers today, I found the last one she gave to me.  It was on my plate on Valentine's Day morning.  I know (hope?) this will get easier at some point.  I don't know when that day will be, but it is certainly not on Day 11, particularly since there are a million other things just like this scattered around the house.

I don't really know what the point of this post is, but it felt good to write when we were going through all the rest of our challenges (which was completely Jacque's idea), so I figured it was worth a shot tonight.  I'm going to attempt to keep the blog going, because the Swan Positive message is a good one.  I might not advertise all the posts on Facebook, or write that frequently, but I owe it to Jacque to try.

Just Some Normal Stuff

Treatment #2 is now circulating inside my body doing its wonderful THANG! Awesome, awesome.

Our apologies for not providing a more timely update after my last post. We know so many of you think of us and pray for us. We will totally try to provide updates more often! But if you don't hear from us and you are wondering how we're doing, please don't hesitate to reach out - don't think you'd be bothering us. More contact with friends is a silver lining to all of this messiness! We are feeling positive and hopeful and while the treatment is doing its thing, we're doing ours. We're doing normal stuff. No news is not at all bad news, so don't ever worry or wonder, just reach out!


We road-tripped to Minneapolis this past weekend! It was so fun to take in a basketball game at my alma mater (Gophers 79, Illini 71) and enjoy the company of so many friends - Alicia and Aaron, Danielle, Chris and Laura, Julie and Jeff.



This is me "normally" running
around, picking up kids from
school, not updating the blog.
oops.

This road trip, as well as life stuff like going to work (BOTH OF US!!), keeping butts in seats at dinnertime, delivering kiddos to sports practices and games (basketball Josh, baseball, basketball Drew, track, archery and tap), pinewood derby, wedding planning, etc. kept us away from the blog longer than expected!

After my first treatment last week, each day I've felt a little bit different. I haven't felt AWESOME, but my back pain has reduced considerably - which was a surprise. Physically my feelings have ranged from must-sleep-now to pretty-darn-good!

If this week goes similarly, I can totally do that! Looking forward to a weekend at home - kid time and Super Bowl and then Brian's birthday week - Feb 3! Life is good.

Take care y'all!