Dammit Keanu

I was sitting at Duke's Cub Scout meeting tonight, poking around on Facebook while Charlie played basketball with another kid who was there with his brother, wishing he was old enough for Scouts.  I came across this article about Keanu Reeves (short version - Keanu has made a ton of money, experienced some tragedy, & is cool).  Nothing earth-shattering, but this quote struck me: “Grief changes shape, but it never ends.”  Crap.

I've talked about this with friends that have experienced loss, and I've talked to other widows.  They've all said some version of this - you're never the same person you were.  Well that sucks.  I really liked the person I was.  This new me, not so great.  I'm sure I'll adjust, but right now, I'm kind of annoying.  I'm not happy, I can't get anything done in my house, and I just feel lost.  I'm ramping up the number of people I'm talking to about this (hello, therapy!).  The problem is, there is a lot I want to talk about - how great my friends have been, how well my job is going, how shitty the Brewers look, and how I'm feeling, but there's only one person I really want to talk to.  Side note, I found a young widow/widower support group, they have a waitlist...WTF, I'm not really in the mood to wait.

So here I am, getting into somewhat of a new routine.  I can do the routine (I'm good with structure and a checklist), but the loneliness, that's another story.  I hate being alone, but I can't fathom finding someone else.  First, because I'm nowhere near ready, but second, because I can't imagine finding anyone as perfect as Jacque.

This is going to be one long road.  Oh wait, it's a road that never ends.  Thanks, Keanu.